Avengers and Guardians Texts
by blue2dolphin2
Summary: So the Guardians have come to stay with the already chaotic Avengers (plus Maria Hill and Coulson). The teams cause mayhem, do stupid things and occasionally fangirl, while a disapproving Fury despairs. T for swearing, way more characters then listed.


**Gamora to Quill**

-Greeny-  
DID U LEAVE DRAX AT CENTRAL PARK U DUMBASS?

-Quilly-  
yeah. and who's playin one direction?

-Greeny-  
Who tf even listens to that shit?

-Quilly-  
Ikr..i swear if it's that maria chick...

-Greeny-  
Why do we put up with this?

-Quilly-  
cause the avengers r fckn cool man

-Greeny-  
yeah

-Greeny-  
but maria f-ing hill needs to turn that shit off.

-Greeny-  
AND GO AND FIND DRAX FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

-Quilly-  
aw I thought we were gonna complain more

-Greeny-  
ONCE U FIND DRAX U DUMBSHIT!

-Quilly-  
alright.

Quilly  
shld I get u icecream?

Greeny  
JUST FUCKING GET DRAX!

Greeny  
and yeah pls

Tony to Rocket

Da Scrapyard  
hey go get ur weird friend out Central Park.

Rocketcoon  
nah

Rocketcoon  
romanoff lost a card game w/ Barton a while bk n now shes trimmin my fur

Rocketcoon  
if the assassin thing goes to shit she could b a hair person or some crap cos this is great

Rocketcoon  
so i aint cmng

Da Scrapyard  
yeah whatev idc just go get ur freaky friend

Rocketcoon  
hes not that bad

Rocketcoon  
jk who am i kiddin he is

Rocketcoon  
tho what abt that Thor dude hes pretty far out

Da Scrapyard  
ik

Da Scrapyard  
now ru gettin ur friend or nah. cause i can send the falcon if u that lazy

Rocketcoon  
its cool quills on it

Da Scrapyard  
and why didn't u tell me this?

Rocketcoon  
idk cause its hella fun seeing u stress

Da Scrapyard  
Man fuck u

Rocketcoon  
Thx

Coulson to Quill

Coulson  
Is this Peter Quill?

Peter Quill?  
nah its gamora

Coulson  
quill I know its u

Coulson  
u gettin drax or not?

Peter Quill  
wellll...

Coulson  
WHAT DID U DO?

Peter Quill  
who said i did anythin man that hurts

Coulson  
:(

Peter Quill  
ok fine so i lost drax

Coulson  
:(

Coulson  
U IDIOT!

Coulson  
GAMORA WAS RIGHT ABT U!

Peter Quill  
ouch

Peter Quill  
calm ur superweapon im finding him. ill even buy u icecream.

Coulson  
good now get on it

Peter Quill  
and tell whoevers playing one direction to not play it

Coulson  
FINEEEEE NOW JUST GO

Tony to Natasha

Twat  
heard ur trimming the raccoons fur

Twat  
don't worry he says ur doing good

Natty  
f u

Natty  
but its actually kinda fun

Twat  
ur weird

Natty  
UR weird

Natty  
and could the person playing one direction pls stop

Twat  
ikr

Twat  
ill tell Coulson he takes care of that shit

Coulson to Steve

Phil  
Quill lost Drax

THE MIGHTY SHIELD  
Why the hell do these children put me in this crap

Phil  
LANGUAGE! :)

THE MIGHTY SHIELD  
Phil just stop

Phil  
cap im sry

Phil  
pls dont b mad

THE MIGHTY SHIELD im not mad

Phil  
Yaaaaaay!

THE MIGHTY SHIELD  
also ill be even happier when the person playing that one direction stuff shuts up

Phil  
will do sir!

THE MIGHTY SHIELD  
Phil u don't have to call me sir. I'm just steve.

Phil  
Will do... Steve...

Phil to Maria

Loser  
Maria turn that shit off!

Hill  
FUCK U I LIKE IT

Hill  
me n thor r havin a dance party

Loser  
wtf

Loser  
just turn it down

Gamora to Drax

Gamora  
tf ru?

Gamora  
ur a twat

Thesaurus  
gamora u know his phone is in the kitchen

Thesaurus  
btw its clint

Gamora  
ik its Clint i saw u

Gamora  
Im just leaving a message for when he checks his txts

Thesaurus  
alright

Quill to Drax

Star-Lord  
Hey where u at?

Star-Lord  
gamora will kill me

Star-Lord  
u know it so stop bein a dick n make this easier

Walking Thesaurus  
its clint

Walking Thesaurus  
im messing w his candy crush bc last week he broke my fifteenth best bow

Star-Lord  
he will try to rip out ur spine

Walking Thesaurus im aware of that

Walking Thesaurus  
but im a motherfucking ninja

Star-Lord  
alright but if u end up in hosp dont blame me

Steve to Gamora

Steve  
any news on the drax situ?

Gamora  
nah

Gamora  
hopefully quilly still gets my icecream.

Gamora  
gotta love that stuff

Steve  
Im sending Sam

Gamora  
alright whatev

Steve to Sam

Wingman  
Hey Wilson

Falcon  
what up bro?

Wingman  
get drax

Falcon  
thought quill was on it

Wingman  
Coulson says hes bein useless

Falcon  
ahaha prob tru

Falcon  
kk im on it

Tony to Thor

MAN OF IRON  
u need to stop leaving ur alcohol around k?

MAN OF IRON  
bcause the coon drank some n passed out

Hammer Time  
I AM SORRY MAN OF IRON!

MAN OF IRON  
ill forgive u if u come get him

MAN OF IRON  
he is drooling ALL over my newest iron man boots

MAN OF IRON  
and whoever made him fucked up majorly his spit is hardening as i text u so HURRY UP

Hammer Time  
I AM COMING

Natasha to Clint

-Widow-  
oy barton!

-Hawk-  
wat

-Widow-  
u, me, vodka, cards round 2

-Widow-  
if u lose u have to ask someone to paint ur nails

-Hawk-  
fine but if u lose u have to shave thors back hair after he gets sweaty

-Widow-  
kk, ill be down in five

Loki to Gamora

/UNKNOWN/  
hey I found ur friend

Gamora  
tf ru?

/UNKNOWN/  
its Loki of Asgard, burdened with glorious purpose

Gamora  
wat?

Gamora  
oh ur that dude

/UNKNOWN/  
whats that supposed to mean?

Gamora  
i know u tried to take over the world w freaky aliens

/UNKNOWN/  
whatever. just get ur friend. hes by the thing with the fake horses

/UNKNOWN/  
it spins and plays annoying music

Gamora  
ik what u mean

Gamora  
how did u get my number?

/UNKNOWN/  
midgardian tech is a joke, now get over here.

/UNKNOWN/  
ur friend is rly annoying

Gamora  
fineeee im omw

/UNKNOWN/  
cool babe

Gamora  
dont even

Gamora  
ill kick ur ass into nxt week

Gamora  
i will i swear to thanos

Sam to Steve

Falcon  
yo im flyin and i see drax w some guardians

Falcon  
ill just go home cos i think quill and gamora got it

Wingman  
OK you can do that

Falcon  
wait lokis there

Falcon  
hes picking something out of a box

Falcon  
...its a kitten

Wingman  
why would he adopt a kitten?

Falcon  
whatever if he aint doing anything wrong i cba to stop him

Wingman  
i know he hasnt done anything in ages

Falcon  
how pathetic

Wingman  
also good for us

Falcon  
true dat

Falcon  
wait gamoras beating him up what did he do

Falcon  
LMAOOO

Rocket to Tony

Rocketcoon  
man wtf happened last night

Rocketcoon  
did someone water groot?

Da Scrapyard  
Aw its so sweet u care

Da Scrapyard  
and yeah, i did

Rocketcoon  
stfu

Rocketcoon  
n thx

Rocketcoon  
tf did i do last night

Da Scrapyard  
drank too much

Rocketcoon  
i had five sips thats not why

Da Scrapyard  
you had asgardian liquor

Da Scrapyard  
that IS why

Da Scrapyard  
i got thor to carry u up to ur room

Rocketcoon  
fml

Da Scrapyard  
dont feel bad the others only lasted abt 2 sips

Da Scrapyard  
u did well

Clint to Wanda

Clint  
can u paint my nails

Wanda  
no

Clint  
nvm

Wanda  
?wtf

Maria to Gamora

Agent Hill  
gamora follow my blog plsss

QuillMORA  
y? i dont rly want to

Agent Hill  
ill scream

Agent Hill  
or play one direction

QuillMORA  
ok fine im on it

QuillMORA  
done

Agent Hill  
yaaaay now i can post it

Gamora  
?

Quill to Bruce

-Quill-  
u know shit dont u

-Bruce-  
yeeeeaaahhh man u cant even get on my iq level

Quill  
ok, so y is that maria chick writing fanfiction abt me n mora

Greeny no. 2  
bcos its what she does

Quill  
kk

Quill  
actually im still confused and weirded out

Greeny no. 2  
its her thing

Greeny no. 2  
she shipped me n tone for ages last year

Quill  
hang on

Quill  
lol looks like ur off the hook cos shes written abt Rocket n Stark now

Greeny no. 2  
ffs

Greeny no. 2  
shes crazy

Quill  
ik

Quill  
i mean one direction, rly?

Gamora to Clint

Green Girl  
so thats why hill wanted me to follow her blog

Barton  
lmao u found out

Barton  
just roll w it, shell move onto someone else

Green Girl  
rly?

Barton  
actually idk. she still hasnt got bored of me n wanda.

Green Girl  
um wandas abt half ur age thats a bit gross

Barton  
IKKKKKK

Barton  
straight couples r kinda her thing now

Barton  
last yr she shipped steve and tony, but also banner and tony, she even went through a week of me and tony

Barton  
she ignores the fact that he is with pepper

Barton  
she weird

Barton  
also i need u to paint my nails

Gamora  
wtf

Gamora  
no

Thor to Tony

Hammer Time  
MAN OF IRON MARIA OF HILL SHOWED ME HER 'BLOG' LOOK AT IT

MAN OF IRON  
y?

MAN OF IRON  
ill do it whatev

MAN OF IRON  
WTF

MAN OF IRON  
WHAT IS WRONG W HER?

MAN OF IRON  
HES A RACCOONY THINGY

MAN OF IRON  
IM A HUMAN DUDE

MAN OF IRON  
never thought id say this but y cant she just ship me n banner

Hammer Time  
YOU WANT TO COURT BANNER?

MAN OF IRON  
no wat?

Hammer Time  
I SHALL TELL HIM

MAN OF IRON  
noooo thor ffs dont do it

MAN OF IRON  
youll make it weird pleeeeaaase dont do ittttt

MAN OF IRON  
THOR YOU ASSHOLE!

MAN OF IRON  
GET BACK HERE

To Buckitty: Thanks for reviewing again! I don't ship most ships actually, except for low-key Stucky- i kinda go back and forth. WandaxClint- I don't even know if that exists, I just think someone would do that, and yes, the nail painting was totally a dare from Nat.

Rocket to Quill

Furry One  
someone needs to deal w maria hill

Star-Idiot  
yup

Star-Idiot  
i think she has issues

Star-Idiot  
actually i dont just think.

Star-Idiot  
i fricking KNOW

Furry One  
yep u got it

Furry One  
ill tell Coulson

Wanda to Pietro

Sister  
hey get this barton just asked me to paint his nails

Brother  
LMFAO

Brother  
everyone in this tower is crazy

Sister  
ikr

Brother  
ftikbxsstujbxzdtioo

Brother  
sry got a bit out of control then

Sister  
ARE U TXTING AND RUNNING?

Sister  
we have had words about this you dumbass :(

Sister  
pietro?

Sister  
PIETRO?!

Sister  
did u run into a wall again

Sister  
OK so i think u ran into a wall

Sister  
URRRRRGH FML

Clint to Thor

EYE OF HAWK  
thor can u paint my nails

Thor  
YES! :):):):):)

Thor  
I THOUGHT YOUD NEVER ASK

EYE OF HAWK  
wtf

EYE OF HAWK  
just meet me in the purple living room w ur stuff

Rocket to Coulson

Rocket Raccoon  
can u pls deal w Mariam Hill or whatever her name is

Agent Coulson  
ohhhh trust me i have tried

Agent Coulson  
oh look she posted something new

Agent Coulson  
me and...cap?

Agent Coulson  
im flattered but also weirded out

Agent Coulson  
actually im mostly flattered

Rocket Raccoon  
tf dude y r all of u crazy?

Wanda to Vision

Ms. Maximoff  
vision wheres my bro?

Vision  
I do not know, Ms. Maximoff

Ms. Maximoff  
well i think he ran into a wall and i cant find him

Vision  
I have started scanning protocols so that we may find your brother, Ms. Maximoff

Ms. Maximoff  
aw thx vizh ur the bae

Vision  
You're very welcome.

Thor to Bruce

Thor  
BANNER I HAVE HEARD FROM MAN OF IRON HIMSELF THAT HE WISHES TO COURT YOU

BANNER  
youve been spending too much time with hill

BANNER  
hang on ru serious?

Thor  
IT IS TRUE

BANNER  
ooookkkk...ill just see whats up w that

Coulson to Steve

Phil  
hey u seen any of marias blog lately

THE MIGHTY SHIELD  
no

THE MIGHTY SHIELD  
why?

Phil  
no reason

Bruce to Tony

Hulkmeister  
look stark im flattered but were just friends

Science Bro  
tf man what have u been smokin

Science Bro  
maybe too much Mary Hill time?

Hulkmeister  
her name is maria

Hulkmeister  
and thor said so

Science Bro  
FUCKING FUCK THAT ASSHOLE ITS NOT TRUE

Hulkmeister  
ok cool

Hulkmeister  
were good

Science Bro  
now do u want to do the thing

Hulkmeister  
heeeeyyy i swear u said that it was thor being delusional

Science Bro  
IT WAS!

Science Bro  
i was going to suggest that we shld work on everyones personalised jetpacks...

Science Bro  
not...that

Science Bro  
but if u dont want to do the jetpacks then ill do it anyway

Science Bro  
alone and miserable

Hulkmeister  
ffs tony

Hulkmeister  
weve been working on that for ages

Hulkmeister  
over my dead body will u build them without me

Science Bro  
sry man

Science Bro  
lets do it

Science Bro  
n im doing thors

Hulkmeister  
y?

Science Bro  
no reason

Loki to Wanda

/UNKNOWN/  
yo weird one i found ur brother

/UNKNOWN/  
hes lying under some rocks at central park

Wanda Maximoff  
who the hell ru?

/UNKNOWN/  
loki of Asgard

Wanda Maximoff  
youre that dude arent u

Wanda Maximoff  
ill come but if ur lying i will find u and mess with ur mind

Wanda Maximoff  
howd u get this number

/UNKNOWN/  
never u mind

/UNKNOWN/  
im just trying to help woman jeez

/UNKNOWN/  
but if u dont want ur brother...

Wanda Maximoff  
f off im on my way

Vision to Wanda

Vision  
I have found your brother

Ms. Maximoff  
thx but ik where he is

Ms. Maximoff  
that loki dude found him n i can see them both

Ms. Maximoff  
poor pietro, hes all passed out

Vision  
That is unfortunate

Ms. Maximoff  
doesnt not make him an idiot

Ms. Maximoff  
im going to fly down and get him

Vision  
Good luck!

Steve to Maria

Cappy  
ok so i checked out your blog

Hill  
oooooh what'd you think?!

Cappy  
maria this isnt healthy

Hill  
its just a casual hobby

Hill  
ok its serious like real serious

Cappy  
yes it is

Cappy  
so we will help you

Cappy  
also pleeeeaaase make you and thors dance parties quieter

Hill  
NEVVVVEEEEERRRR

Wanda to Tony

Wanda  
heeeeyyy im bringing home a new roomie

Assbitch  
who?

Wanda  
that loki guy

Assbitch  
NOOOO ANYONE BUT HIM

Assbitch  
he STABBED COULSON

Assbitch  
he CONTROLLED CLINTS MIND

Assbitch  
hes betrayed thor like five times!

Wanda  
hes not soooo bad

Wanda  
he found drax and pietro for us and returned them to us without hurting them or asking us for shit

Wanda  
at least he didnt indirectly blow up YOUR home when u were ten.

Assbitch  
IDC WANDA HE CANT STAY!

Wanda  
but theres a cat with hiiiiim

Wanda  
a little baby kitty called frigga

Wanda  
im actually more worried abt the cat the poor thing

Assbitch  
yeah havin loki as an owner is rough shit

Assbitch  
but i get u

Assbitch  
tell him he can stay, but if he messes anything up he is kicked out and we get the kitten

Wanda  
kk asshole

Wanda  
so he agreed

Wanda  
get wilson to fly pietro home n ill take loki

Wanda  
im not very experienced but if i drop loki its no prob i care way more abt my bro

Assbitch  
ikr ill send him

Tony to Steve

Stark  
heeey guess who's cmng to stay w us

Capsicle  
who?

Stark  
actually i dont wanna tell u, youll get mad

Capsicle  
what did you do?

Capsicle  
whos the new roommate?

Stark  
aint never gonna tell u

Capsicle  
STARK! GODDAMMIT!

Stark  
language

Capsicle  
that wasnt even real cursing now tell me what you did

Stark  
nah dont rly feel like it

Capsicle  
ill tell pepper

Stark  
no u will not

Capsicle  
i will im serious tony tell me

Stark  
i let wanda bring loki to stay

Capsicle  
WHAT THE HELL

Stark LANGUAGE

Capsicle  
:(

Fury to Coulson

Boss  
hows it going

Coulson  
marias still doin her shipping shit but were all fine

Coulson  
hang on Steve texted me abt something urgent

Boss  
ffs what happened

Coulson  
WHAT THE FUCKEROO?

Coulson  
wanda invited loki to live with us and tony agreed

Boss  
FMLLLLLL

Maria to Quill

Crazy Lady  
heeeey quill

QUILLmora  
hi hill whaddya want?

Crazy Lady  
i want to know how things r w Gamora

QUILLmora  
were good friends thats all

Crazy Lady  
rly? i heard from rocket that you two had a moment

Crazy Lady  
tho now hes stopped talking to me

QUILLmora  
i wonder why

QUILLmora  
but that asshole was listening to our convo? that was deep n private

Crazy Lady  
yup, and- HAH! U ADMIT IT! IT WAS A MOMENT!

Crazy Lady  
I KNEW IT I KNEW IT

QUILLmora  
fiiiine ur right

QUILLmora  
dont tell anyone

QUILLmora  
gamora doesn't like me like that

QUILLmora  
after our moment she slapped me

Crazy Lady  
thats how all the best relationships begin!

QUILLmora  
NO IT ISNT!

QUILLmora  
DO U EVEN KNOW HOW REAL HUMAN INTERACTION WORKS?

QUILLmora  
look hill ur really nice even if u do write creepy fanfic abt us all

Crazy Lady  
F YOU ITS NOT CREEPY

Crazy Lady  
but thats one of the nicest things someones ever said to me

QUILLmora  
awwwww no ur not that bad

Crazy Lady  
thx -_-

QUILLmora  
sry sry what i meant is that you would benefit from some human interaction so im going to set u up

Crazy Lady  
no i like being alone in my room writing my stories!

QUILLmora  
hill thats sad pls just do it!

Crazy Lady  
fineeee but if it goes wrong i will tell gamora abt ur opinions of the moment

QUILLmora  
deal

Natasha to Clint

Widow  
hows ur manicure?

Hawk  
go away nat there r suns and daisies all over my nails n i dont wanna talk abt it

Widow  
thor?

Hawk  
eeeyup

Widow  
hes especially good at it i was hoping youd pick him

Hawk  
gamora n wanda were too busy to do it

Hawk  
Coulson just cc'd us all in a text

Widow  
WHAT THE HELL DID U JUST READ WHAT I READ?

Hawk  
YES! Why would wanda do thiiiis?

Widow  
shes in it for the cat

Widow  
it better be reeeeeeaaal adorable

Hawk  
yeah loki has a cat now wtf

Widow  
IKKKKKK

Thor to Wanda

Thor  
WANDA WHY IS LOKI RESIDING IN OUR HOME?

WITCH OF SCARLET  
bcos hes homeless and needs to crash somewhere and also i dont want his kitten to die

WITCH OF SCARLET  
shes called frigga

Thor  
WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH HE NAMED IT AFTER MOTHER?

WITCH OF SCARLET  
i guess so

Thor  
GET OUT OF MY WAY I MUST WELCOME MY BROTHER

WITCH OF SCARLET  
Thor we r txting, im not actually in ur way ffs

Steve to Pepper

Steve  
pepper we are getting a new roommate

Pepper  
who?

Steve  
...loki

Pepper  
WHAT? :(

Steve  
...it was tony

Pepper  
i go on a business trip for a weekend and u people fk this much up

Steve  
yeeeeeeaaaah

Quill to Natasha

Qu-idiot  
hey natasha

Red  
quill if ur trying to flirt w me again i will hurt u

Qu-idiot  
nah i dont even like u like that

Qu-idiot  
youre a friend i hope

Qu-idiot  
i like someone else its not u but ur cool

Qu-idiot  
i was just joking that time anyways

Red  
well it was a gross joke

Qu-idiot  
sry now do u know anyone who i can set hill up with?

Red  
ill look into it

Red  
btw who do u like

Qu-idiot  
dammit

Qu-idiot  
NONE OF UR BUSINESS!

Red  
if u wanna b shady b shady but i will find out

Qu-idiot  
no u wont

Red  
ohhh but i will

Qu-idiot  
just find hill a date everyone i know is a space criminal or someone she writes fic abt

Red  
calm ur galaxy quill im on it

Thor to Loki

Fool  
BROTHER CAN I SEE YOUR CAT?

BROTHER  
fine and don't mess with my stuff

Fool  
I BELIEVE YOU HAD NO RESIDENCE HOW CAN YOU EVEN HAVE HAD BELONGINGS

BROTHER  
i have my ways, and if u get poptart on my helmet one more time i will not let u see my cat. you have been warned.

Fury to Tony

Pirate  
care to explain yourself stark

Stark  
abt what?

Stark  
is it about the fuel me n Bruce used for the jetpacks or is it about the new roomie

Pirate  
i will look into that fuel and its about loki living with u

Stark  
actually the fuel is perfectly safe

Pirate  
oh reeeaaally

Stark  
yup n lokis settling in well. he, thor, and wanda r sitting in his room playing with frigga

Stark  
friggas lokis kitten and shes adorable

Pirate  
i dont care stark!

Stark  
oh come on! he and vision are even making us dinner

Stark  
u can come

Pirate  
no i will not come, and from now on both u and loki will be monitored very closely

Pirate  
tell me abt that fuel

Stark  
im tellin u its safe!

Pirate  
stark im done with ur shit send me the ingredients list

Pirate  
stark where r u

Pirate  
STARK!

Steve to Natasha

Cappy Murica  
oy natasha i need your help with maria

Natasha  
whyyyy meee?

Cappy Murica  
because...actually i dont know

Cappy Murica  
i think we need to arrange an intervention for her

Cappy Murica  
she posted something abt me and Coulson

Natasha LMAO RLY?

Cappy Murica  
its not funny

Natasha  
of course not

Natasha  
im trying to set her up with one of the shield agents

Natasha  
but since 'more than science bros' went viral no one seems to like her that much

Natasha  
dont worry im finding someone

Cappy Murica  
seems like youre cool with it so bye

Natasha  
noooo get back here

Cappy Murica  
ok fine ill come to your room and help because frigga the kitten is on my bed and is glaring at me like she wants to eat my face

Cappy Murica  
im gonna get loki to move her

Cappy Murica  
he better or were kicking him out

Natasha  
WHAAATEVEEERR now get ur patriotic butt over here

Cappy Murica  
did you just

Cappy Murica  
never mind im coming

Fury to Bruce

Fury  
BANNER WHAT DID U MAKE THAT FUEL OUT OF

Banner  
if i tell u ill have to kill u

Banner  
we put a secret ingredient in. v. interesting properties

Fury  
i dont care just email me the contents

Banner  
look me n stark r just gonna ignore u

Banner  
if u keep out of it and we evade attention then were cool, k?

Fury  
u lot r shady

Banner  
yup, now see u after u forget abt this

Fury  
banner?

Fury  
u will have to unblock my number some day

Steve to Loki

Righteous Man  
loki please get your cat off my bed

Loki  
cant im at the walmart w thor

Loki  
do u know how hard it is to shop w him?

Loki  
hes so loud and everyone is staring

Righteous Man  
i dont care find some way to move ur cat for goodness sakes

Loki  
u arent scared of frigga are u rogers?

Loki  
thats funny but also sad

Righteous Man  
loki i swear to God

Loki  
fine ill get wanda to move him k captain?

Righteous Man  
yesss get wanda to move that thing

Loki  
rogers dont b so mean to frigga, shes just friendly

Righteous Man  
just. get. the cat. off. my bed.

Loki  
alriiiiight jeez its just a cat

Pepper to Wanda

Pepper  
Wanda what made u think that moving loki in was a good idea

Wanda  
have u seen his kitten?

Wanda  
he named it after his mother

Pepper  
thats sweet but its still loki

Wanda  
ik but hes being cool for now

Wanda  
he and vizhy r making us food tonight n also he actually volunteered to take thor to get poptarts

Wanda  
also if hes bad we get frigga but he has to leave

Wanda  
so overall its kewl

Pepper  
okkkkkk whatev i have another meeting now

Wanda  
and i get to play w frigga so HA!

Wanda  
lol i have to move her off steves bed cos hes scared

Wanda  
byyeeeeee

Clint to Natasha

Hawk  
naaaaaatt caaaaaards

Widow  
go away were finding hill a date

Hawk  
theres no hope for her u know

Widow  
we can still try

Widow  
ill play u and if u lose u have to b her date

Hawk  
no deal no deal NO DEAL!

Widow  
aw come onnnnnn it would save me n cappy a bunch of work if u lost

Widow  
which u would

Hawk  
nat ur great but nahhh

Hawk  
ill come over n help

Widow  
okaaaay get over here

Sam to Steve

Falcon  
so i get in and i see that bitch loki makin food with vision

Falcon  
n wanda is carrying a kitten

Falcon  
do i get an explanation or nah?

Wingman  
tony let wanda move him in it wasnt me

Wingman  
you know he still feels indebted to her and pietro because of the whole bombing thing

Falcon  
k whatev if visions watching then i can eat it

Falcon  
did tony also let wanda get a cat

Wingman  
no loki adopted it

Wingman  
its quite a large part of the reason that hes staying, also if hes bad he leaves but we get the cat

Falcon  
oh its that cat

Falcon  
alright im not sure about this

Falcon  
wait theyre making pizza man im sold

Maria to Wanda

Maria  
heeey

Wanda  
hi anything u need hill

Maria  
just saying youve been pretty nice to loki

Wanda  
maria if you do that ill hurt u

Wanda  
i dont wanna but if u do... my hands will be forced

Pietro to Vision

Mr Maximoff  
heeeey vizh my man what happened

Vizh Bro  
You ran into a wall while texting and were unconscious for several hours. According to my medical results you will sustain no permanent injury

Mr Maximoff  
greeeeaat

Vizh Bro  
You should also be informed that Loki Laufeyson and his kitten Frigga now live here for an unspecified amount of time. There is pizza for dinner, which Mr Laufeyson and I are making.

Mr Maximoff  
okkkkk, but isnt he like total evil dude? maybe ultron was worse?

Mr Maximoff  
whatev if he doesnt do wrong shit i cba to care

Vizh Bro  
Your sister wishes for me to inform you that you should not text and run, so you will not end up in these situations

Mr Maximoff  
shes got a point but ill run n txt foreveeeerrrr!

Vizh Bro  
Not a wise decision, sir

Mr Maximoff  
eeehhhhhhh

Drax to Rocket

Drax-cula  
You people should take care of my phone

Raccoon  
ehhhhh but we cba

Raccoon  
just bring it with you

Drax-cula  
what is 'cba'

Raccoon  
its an abbreviation for 'cant be asked'

Drax-cula  
anyway i know it was Barton who messed with my game i saw his messages

Drax-cula  
will you help me have revenge?

Raccoon  
first of all i cba

Raccoon  
second of all he will put arrows through our eye sockets

Drax-cula  
no he would not. my reflexes are too fast. i would catch the arrow.

Raccoon  
mine arent so im not helping u

Raccoon  
ask someone else

Drax-cula  
okay I will

Drax-cula  
i suppose that 'u' is used here in place of the word 'you'

Raccoon  
u really are a thesaurus

Raccoon  
dont rip out bartons spine ok?

Drax-cula  
do not call me a thesaurus

Drax-cula  
and im not going to hurt barton that badly

Drax-cula  
should i go for two toes or one toe

Raccoon  
NO TOES! NO RIPPING OUT BONES! JUST PRANK HIM!

Drax-cula  
alright calm down, I will form a plan that merely pains the mind

Raccoon  
cool beans but i had nothing to do with it ok?

Drax-cula  
okay can u help me

Raccoon  
NO IM STAYING OUT OF THIS! DO U NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT 'NOTHING TO DO WITH' MEANS?

Drax-cula  
calm down

Raccoon  
grrrr

Tony to Bruce

Science Bro  
hey tell me u didnt cave to fury

Hulkmeister  
of course not do u think im an idiot

Science Bro  
weeeelll...

Hulkmeister  
ruuuuuuuddddeeeee

Hulkmeister  
wait thor wrote something on hills blog

Science Bro  
wat?

Hulkmeister  
yep

Science Bro  
u still follow hills blog?

Hulkmeister  
the more followers she has the happier she is, therefore that makes her quiet

Science Bro  
tru dat

Science Bro  
whatd thor write?

Hulkmeister  
k lookin

Hulkmeister  
alright if u have to know just read it

Science Bro  
im worried

Hulkmeister  
u shld b

Science Bro  
ok less time with hill for thor then...

Drax to Gamora

Thesaurus  
cba cba cba

Gamora  
lemme guess rocket taught u a new txt phrase

Thesaurus  
YES

Thesaurus

Gamora  
woooooowwwww do u want a medal

Thesaurus  
yes please

Gamora  
im not giving you one i dont even have any

Thesaurus  
then whyd u ask me if i wanted one

Gamora  
argh its a sarcastic expression

Gamora  
bye now i cba to explain it

Thesaurus  
CBA!

Natasha to Rocket

Little Red  
look rocket imma make this quick cos i hate talking to u but who does quill like?

Annoyance  
whoa whoa whoa whoa why shld i tell u anything

Annoyance  
ill tell u if u trim my fur and give me a bottle of vodka once a week

Little Red  
grr

Little Red  
no deal i have better things to do

Annoyance  
fiiiiiine but youll never know

Little Red  
i will ur not the only person who would know whats up

Annoyance  
alright whatever u say

Annoyance  
mightve told u if u werent mean to me

Little Red  
urgh just go away

Annoyance  
ooooooh tetchy

Little Red  
dont ill hurt u

Annoyance  
no u wont im adorable

Little Red  
ehhhhh...no

Fury to Steve

Boss  
rogers u need to get the tower under control

Rogers  
its alright

Boss  
OH REALLY?

Boss  
loki lives with u, banner and stark are abt to give you all jetpacks w potentially dangerous fuel in them, the guardians are a mess and the fridge in the break room broke

Rogers  
um the fridge is not any of our faults. we dont even use it

Fury  
alright that last one was just me listing all my probs. three of them are u peoples fault

Rogers  
but loki made us pizza, banner will keep stark under control and the guardians are fine

Fury  
lokis a criminal, banner and stark are BOTH being v shady and Drax got lost, quill couldnt find him and rocket drank Asgard alcohol

Fury  
and allllll of this shit happened in one weekend

Fury  
i will inform miss potts of the fact that she can never go away again

Natasha to Maria

Nat  
hey maria ive got a q for u

Maria  
yaaaay someone was nice to meeee

Nat  
that was courtesy

Nat  
anyway we're very nice, we put up w u writing creepy fic abt us and were setting u up on a date.

Maria  
ehhhh

Nat  
whatev. now do u know who quill luuuuurves?

Maria  
yeah but im sworn to secrecy Nat  
biiiiitch

Nat  
we're planning ur date just remember that

Maria  
ehhhhh ask rocket he knows

Nat  
I DID! hes just bein a lil fuck abt it

Maria  
soz, can't help

Nat  
:(

Drax to Quill

Walking Thesaurus  
i need revenge on Barton and rocket won't help me

Star-Lord  
I need a cookie and gamora wont get me one cos apparently im 'right next' to the kitchen and to make someone get me one is 'lazy'

Star-Lord  
get me a cookie and we'll talk.

Pepper to Tony

Peppy  
ANTHONY STARK!

Tony  
whaaaaat

Peppy  
get it together you dumbass ok? no more moving in criminals, no more losing track of people, no more scotch.

Tony  
awwwwwwww but its fuuuuuuun

Peppy  
I'm serious, Tony. For example, the fuel? WTF are you doing, these are your teammates? Also, what about the new pet? You cant just get a random pet I'm serious. Like has that cat even had its shots? Wanda's been playing with it, what about her? Can I not go away bcos then ill be in this situ when I get home.

Tony  
wow ur txting in proper grammar, u must b reeeeaal mad

Peppy  
tone can't you just be responsible for once in your life?!

Tony  
whoa calm the hormones

Peppy  
wow tone call me when your life's together.

Gamora to Quill

Greeny  
y ru n drax being so shady?

Quilly  
none of ur business mora get out of my face

Greeny  
look im not an idiot

Quilly  
rly

Greeny  
yeah, rly, and stop tryin to act like hanging around the kitchen 'spying' through the back door isn't shady

Quilly  
mora hooooonestly calm down

Greeny  
i will calm down when u dummies tell me whats up

Quilly  
no can do ms mora

Greeny  
i will find out im warning u two

Pepper to Wanda

Pepper  
oy wanda

Wanda  
wat?

Pepper  
take the cat to the vet now u do not know where it and loki have been

Wanda  
yeah i shld do that shit

Wanda  
kk doll

Wanda  
y ru so antsy btw

Pepper  
bcos stark is a dipshit

Wanda  
TELL ME ABOUT ITTTTTT

Pepper  
ur the one who invited loki to live with us. u also may have dipshit tendencies

Wanda  
OY THAT WAS RUDE AND UNCALLED FOR

Wanda  
im takin the cat alright

Pepper  
just freaking do it

Gamora to Rocket

Gamoron  
tell me anything u know about drax n quills shady shit

Rocketard  
ok drax wanted revenge on Barton and i said nah cos i cba to help, so he probs made quill do it

Rocketard  
for the record it was me who stopped him from rippin out bartons toe bones.

Gamoron  
cool, now shld we tell barton?

Rocketard  
nooooope lets just watch from the sidelines n laugh

Gamoron  
yeah thats good. u know in his phone im 'green girl'

Gamoron  
like thats just stupid n insulting

Rocketard  
well ur just gamora to me

Gamoron  
sure i am

Tony to Bruce

Jetpack Master  
bruuuuuuuuuuce im changing the fuelllll

The Banner  
whaaaaaaaaaaat n whyyyyyyy

Jetpack Master  
i think pepper broke up w me n i want to get into her good books

The Banner  
what

The Banner  
im really sorry

The Banner  
ru sure ur not overreacting

Jetpack Master  
bruuuuce everyone hates meeeee. coulson keeps glaring, steve shook his head at me n im pretty sure pietro shoulder bumped me on purpose. n now u prob hate me cos im changing the fuel

The Banner  
stark pietro is clumsy, coulson is still mad abt loki bcos loki stabbed him, plus steve is stressy cause he feels like he needs to take care of us. also u can totally change the fuel cos it nearly killed coulson when he came in here n i think its a good plan.

Jetpack Master  
okkkkkkk thx for the fuel thing n MAYBE ur rite abt those guys but peppeeeeeeeerrrrr

Jetpack Master  
i kneeeewww it wouldn't last

The Banner  
slow down just tell me what she said

Jetpack Master  
she said 'wow tone call me when u get ur act together'

Jetpack Master  
im going to drown my sorrows

The Banner  
thats not going to get u into her good books

Jetpack Master  
IDC BRUCIE IM SAAAAAADDDD

Natasha to Drax

Romanoff  
heeeey draxyyyyy

Romanoff  
ok sry im a little drunk

Romanoff  
me n gamora broke into pietros raspberry vodka stash

Drax  
hello natasha

Romanoff  
soooooo can u tell me who quill likes?

Drax  
quill likes all of us, i believe he considers us all friends

Romanoff  
okkkkk but who does he like like

Drax  
i do not understand

Romanoff  
draaaaax ur killin meeeee who does he looooove

Drax  
i do not believe that quill romantically loves anyone

Romanoff  
kk bye boo do u want vodkaaaaa

Drax  
do u mean vodka because if so then yes

Romanoff  
did you know u look like a christmas hehehehehe

Drax  
i am confused

Drax  
ok bye natasha

Vision to Wanda

Vizhy Vizh  
Ms Maximoff, you might want to know that your friends Ms Romanoff and Gamora have passed out in front of your brother's cabinet. Judging by their surroundings and demeanour, I conclude that they were drinking his fruit-flavoured vodkas. I believe your brother will not be pleased.

Ms Maximoff  
ffs i cant do anything bcos stark was supposed to pick me n frigga up and hes late so im stuck without a ride n thor wont answer my calls also i cant fly very far rn im way too tired

Ms Maximoff  
pepper and the rest already a bit annoyed n i dont want pietro mad either bcos he runs everywhere and knocks into everything and ends up in weird places unconscious bcos he ran out of control

Vizhy Vizh  
I understand and have formed a plan. I will ask Captain Rogers to help me move the unconscious. Either Dr Banner or Agent Barton will pick you up. I have sent both the coordinates of your location. I can reach the store Pietro buys his alcohol at in approximately six minutes and will match his original selection as close as I can.

Ms Maximoff  
awwww vizhyyyyy u r actually the baaaaaaeee

Vizhy Vizh  
I appreciate that.

Loki to Coulson

Dickhead  
just so you know, im sorry for stabbing you

Coulson  
ohhhhh sure

Dickhead  
its true

Coulson  
sure it is

Coulson  
i will get back at u u know this

Dickhead  
no u wont

Coulson  
try me bitch

Coulson  
actually i wont fuck with ur stuff if i get to see ur cat

Dickhead  
alriiiight but she's at the vet w wanda u can see her tomorrow

Coulson  
deal u lil shit

Bruce to Wanda

Banner  
hey so the lowdown is that pepper and stark fell out n now hes at a bar drowning his sorrows

Wanda  
whatever idc abt stark what i care abt is the fact that u assholes haven't answered me and left me outside in the rain for an hour

Wanda  
AND THE CAT

Banner  
well im pickin u up and vision gave me ur location so were cool

Banner  
and apparently its ME who has to pick u up even though Barton is just all up in my lab n shooting shit and im doing important science

Wanda  
cool story bro but just hurry tf up it is raining sooooo hard rn

Wanda  
this is just like stark he knew i wanted to ride in his ferrari

Wanda  
or at least bartons spy car

Wanda  
ur car is rubbish

Banner  
thx

Vision to Steve

Vision  
Mr Rogers, are you available?

Captain Rogers  
yes, i am watching the movie versions of the Harry potter series right now, but i can always pause

Vision  
Good. Would you assist me in moving Ms Romanoff and Gamora away from Mr Maximoff's cabinet? They have broken into his selection of fruit-flavoured vodka. I have replaced the vodka but I need to move them quickly and I am unable to move them myself in our time limit.

Captain Rogers  
ok im coming meet u in pietros room

Tony to Bruce

-Jetpack Master-  
heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy

-Jetpack Master-  
BRUCE M DRUNKKKKKKKK

-Jetpack Master-  
nerdy hulky

-Jetpack Master-  
hulky nerdy

-Jetpack Master-  
nulky herdy

-The Banner-  
tony honestly where ru ill come pick u up. however, wanda is in the car w me bcos u were supposed to pick her up but instead i had to do it bcos ur drunk

-Jetpack Master-  
kkkkkkkkkkkk bruceeeeeeee im at the ussssual

-The Banner-  
ok, im cmng over there dont do anythin stupid

-Jetpack Master-  
haaaaaaahahahaaaaha too late

Coulson to Wanda

-Phil-  
hey wanda i forgive u bcos that cat looks cute and loki told me he was proud of my captain america trading cards

-Idiot-  
ikr i knew what i was doin

-Idiot-  
ill send you a video of drunk tony if u want boo

-Idiot-  
bruce just picked him up out of a bar

-Phil-  
LOL yes plsssssssss

-Idiot-  
urrrrgh bruce plays the worst music

-Phil-  
so does someone inside the tower

-Phil-  
ok im 100% done with this shit im getting me or marias room moved

-Idiot-  
alright now heres the vid

-Idiot-  
{video attachment}

-Phil-  
LOL

Steve to Pepper

-Steve-  
ok can u pls go deal with ur boyfriend

-Pepper-  
hmmmmm kk what did he do

-Steve-  
ehhhhh nothin out of the ordinary, just super drunk

-Steve-  
hes crying, he says u broke up with him

-Pepper-  
oh shit

-Pepper-  
it could be read like that but im not doing that i was just ranting at him to b more responsible bcos everything is a bit of a mess

-Steve-  
sry pep its hard to keep everyone under control

-Pepper-  
steve dont worry its not ur job ill come get him im like five min away

-Pepper-  
tomorrow i will explain everything

-Steve-  
ok thank you

Fury to Natasha

-Boss-  
Romanoff, I'm sending you, Barton, Rogers, Maximoff, Vision and Stark to deal w some illegal arms dealers networking around eastern europe next week, they got way too powerful n r defeating some of the normal teams weve sent. We're getting ur stuff together and u leave in two weeks.

-Boss-  
NATASHA!

-Boss-  
Honestly what are you doing, answer your phone!

-Boss-  
For god's sake, i'll tell someone else

Fury to Tony

-Matey-  
Stark?

-Pain in Ass-  
YAAAAAAHHHHHH

-Matey-  
youre acting even more stupid than usual Stark, but can you just hold up and let me debrief you

-Pain in Ass-  
LA LA LA LA LA BEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP

-Matey-  
what?

-Pain in Ass-  
eyyyyyyptch furious shit pirate

-Matey-  
OK I'LL TELL SOMEONE ELSE

Pietro to Wanda

-Brother-  
oy why is vizh in my room

-Sister-  
drink suggestions for stevie, who is also there

-Sister-  
actually nah steves downstairs w tony

-Brother-  
alright they need to hurry up

-Brother-  
sdkhafhiadha

-Sister-  
what did i tell u abt txting n running

-Brother-  
ehhhhh u think i care

-Sister-  
u shld

-Brother-  
ehhhhhhhhhhh

-Sister-  
fml ur impossible

-Sister-  
do u wanna see a video of drunk-ass stark

-Brother-  
send itkjafkasdfhaks

-Sister-  
STOP TXTING N RUNNIN U IDIOT

-Sister-  
{video attachment}

Quill to Clint

-Quillman-  
oyyyyy i have a dare for u

-Birdman-  
what do u want quill im busy

-Quillman-  
no ur not i can see u n ur in banners lab shooting targets n eating oreos

-Quillman-  
for this dare u dont even have to leave ur roost

-Birdman-  
damn right this is meh roost and i aint leavin

-Quillman-  
alright, u know that song anaconda by that woman with the huge ass

-Birdman-  
yes

-Quillman-  
the next person who txts u, u can only reply using lyrics from that song, also send me the results

-Quillman-  
ill buy u food or arrows or a quiver or some shit

-Birdman-  
make it a bow, some good wine that isnt abt a buck a bottle and two bars of chocolate n were cool

-Quillman-  
yesssss deal

Fury to Clint

-Furious-  
Barton, i know i dont usually make u do these but i need u to debrief everyone for a mission

-Barton-  
my anaconda dont

-Furious-  
what?

-Barton-  
my anaconda dont

-Furious-  
Barton, quit messing around, i need to debrief u

-Barton-  
MY ANACONDA DONT WANT NONE UNLESS U GOT BUNS HUN

-Furious-  
…bye barton im done with all of u

Natasha to Gamora

-Nat-  
urrrrrrgh what happened last night, all i remember is being by pietros drink cabinet

-Mora-  
idk im too headachey to think

-Nat-  
i remember the taste of whatever we drank

-Mora-  
yeah it was fruit vodka i remember that now

-Nat-  
cooooooool beans

-Nat-  
oh shit ive got five txts from fury

-Nat-  
SHIT HES GONNA KILL MEEEEE

Gamora to Bruce

-Gamora-  
banner just thought youd like to know that a high/drunk/hyper barton is in ur lab doing bunny jumps n squealing

-Gamora-  
he will end up breaking somethin

-Bruce-  
FFS

-Bruce-  
hes probably ingested all of the rewards he got off quill for doing the thing

-Gamora-  
what thing?

-Bruce-  
OH SHIT UR NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW BOUT THAT

-Gamora-  
tell me what did u do

-Bruce-  
no can do

-Bruce-  
n i didnt do shit

-Gamora-  
idc ur still dead

Drax to Clint

-Literally-  
barton beware

-Game Ruiner-  
y

-Literally-  
what is y

-Game Ruiner-  
abbreviation for why

-Game Ruiner-  
now WHY should i beware

-Literally-  
youll find out

-Game Ruiner-  
ok so a bucket of liquid just fell on my head

-Game Ruiner-  
ill wash it off

-Literally-  
it might not b so easy

-Game Ruiner-  
what did u do u idiot

-Game Ruiner-  
OH WAIT DO YOU NEED 'U' EXPLAINED TOO

-Literally-  
no i do not

-Literally-  
this is revenge for ruining my game of candy crush

-Game Ruiner-  
that was revenge for ruining my bow

-Literally-  
that was revenge for ruining my knife

-Literally-  
there is some of starks superglue in your hair now

-Game Ruiner-  
u asshole

-Game Ruiner-  
but fineeeeee we r even

-Literally-  
good barton, i do not wish to fight with u

-Literally-  
now what is 'r'

Gamora to Quill

-Greeny-  
u n drax r so immature

-Quilly-  
haaaaa ik it was funny tho

-Greeny-  
it wasnt it used everyones hot water bcos barton was trying to wash it out

-Quilly-  
OOH added bonus hows ur luscious locks cmng along now mora?

-Greeny-  
go away quill u all suck


End file.
